So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
