After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
