This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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