stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
this boner is exhausting
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
