If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Randomize
