I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
