Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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