i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
we're so committed to being not committed
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
