yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
