Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
