yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
