standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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