you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
