Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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