the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
