i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
