You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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