I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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