You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
