It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
