I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
