My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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