of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
