You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
