I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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