I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
