The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
