life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
