I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
