I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
