I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
