you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
