My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
