is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
