i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Floor bacon is actually really good
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
