At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
