he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
