Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So I just went to clothing optional bar
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
