My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
