Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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