thus making me awesome and them whores
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
