I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
