Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
