tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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