It was confusing and full of hummus
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So much rum. So many feels.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
