i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
