Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
