grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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