I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
