ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
