Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
